Woah

So, I wanted to assure you, if you're still here, that I am in fact alive.  The semester has come to a conclusion.  I made it through. Don't know how I did but I'm pretty sure I passed.  So, things are hopefully going to slow down now.  Olivia is now three months old and is fast asleep at the moment.  Isaac has just stolen his brother's Pop-tart while his brother is at school.  And instead of paying attention to Barney I figured I would just drop in and pop up a note.  I will try to write more if you are still here...

Deep Impact

Listen, I know that everyone is going to be writing about the election.  So, I'll let more qualified people and more articulate writers to write about the impact of such things.  Yet, I've been thinking about things lately.  I've been thinking about, and God I'm a little tired of the word, change.  But, I think that more of what I'm thinking of is the ability to impact people.  In a way that is change and yet on other levels its different. 

I've been wondering how it is that we, or more specifically I, can and/or do impact people.  I used to think that I had to do something extraordinary in order to make  a difference.  I had to go get a PhD or get this certification or publish something or write the next great American sermons (Are there such things?) and that I had to impact people in some broad and profound way.  But, the more I've been thinking about it and the more I've been meditating on it, the more I realize that impacting myself may be the best and only thing that I can do.  Maybe the only life that I can profoundly change for the better is my own...

And for me, this day, it means being okay in the moment.  I know, I know, it sounds like new age b.s....  But for me, it becomes something profoundly real if I decide not to prepare myself for some goal tomorrow or some level of completion that I have to reach and realize that today, at this moment, I'm already equipped to make a difference in my own life.  And I can accept that.  I've already found what I am good at (somewhat) and what fulfills me (mostly).  So, why am I looking to do other greater (if not greater, more complex) things that may or may not prepare me to affect people I may or may not come in contact with?  Just silly... Baby Crying Gotta Go!

Mr. Poates, I'll see you at the beach

I am writing a new blog post because I have a second and I can.  Wow... Life is busy.  I am tired.  I feel like this is becoming a broken record.  Anyways, life travels on and I am getting closer to deadlines that I thought I would never make it to.

I go up for candidacy in the Presbyterian Church (USA) on Tuesday.  I don't know how I feel about that.  Right now, I figure whatever is going to happen is going to happen.  Yet, I still find myself making back-up plans.... It would be funny to me to get an M.Div and not have the endorsement of a church.  However, that does feel like my life- always having part of the puzzle and not the whole thing.

That leads me to my studies on Anxiety, Ego, and Ontology.  I always feel like I have it right here in front of me.  All the pieces are there.  And I'm just not smart enough to put them together.  The answer is somewhere in this jumbled and muddled mess and if I were a little more disciplined, a little more intelligent, I could actually use the time I have to put them together in order to make the picture come through.  Oh, well... I need a vacation... 

I talked with this gentleman the other day before he died.  In fact, I was the last person he talked to...  And I asked him if he could go anywhere, wher

e would it be.  He said the beach.  He'd never been.  I asked him what he thought the sand would be like.  And he said gross and boring.  So I asked him about the water. And he said cold and uncomfortable.  So, I asked him why he wanted to go to the beach.  He told me, "Because I imagine there are a lot of people there." "You like people, Mr. Poates?"  "Oh yes," he told me.  "I like to watch them.  I just want to sit at the beach on a bench and watch all those people..."

I'll see you at the beach, Mr. Poates.... 

 May you rest well with the saints on your vacation

Good Lord

That's all I have to say.  

I've been averaging 90 hours a week of working not to mention reading... not to mention new baby... not to mention not SLEEPING.  I am so tired.  I never knew I could be this tired.  I'm "on call" tonight and I really hope no one dies.  Yes, its purely selfish reasons... I hope no one dies so I can sleep... Blessed sleep.  I want to write more and tell you how I'm doing and what I'm doing because things really are interesting.  Things are going well despite the shear volume of work I am doing.  I'll share more soon.  Just wanted to touch base and keep this thing going!

Does Crust create Cat Ladies?

Three days.... The baby has been home three days.  Good God in Heaven.  Olivia is the cutest and most exhausting person I have met.  What is funny is how big she makes Isaac look.  He isn't even two yet and he looks like a giant.  He also is way more trouble than I realized.  I don't remember what it was like when all he did was eat, poop, and sleep, but I imagine it must have been nice.  

There is so much work to do and I have no idea how to do any of it.  I now have time to do it, but I'm so tired that reading about the Bible or Theology or Psychology or any of the other things I have to read just seems exhausting as well.  I am only writing here to keep myself awake until the beginnings of this second pot of coffee kicks in.  

One thing I've been contemplating lately is crust.  Yes, crust.  What do I mean by crus?  I mean the crust on bread, the crust on pop-tarts, the crust on any food of any sort.  I'll admit it: I'm a little chubby. Ok, maybe a lot chubby (Give me a break!  It's sympathy weight from the pregnancy!).  Needless to say, I cannot remember being a picky eater and I'm certainly not one now.  But the oldest kid...  First of all, what is wrong with crust?  It doesn't taste any different.  And I don't buy the texture argument either!  There isn't enough of it on the bread to have texture.  And Pop-tart Crust?  What the Hell?  She leaves half the Pop-tart to be disregarded!

If the bread is a little burnt: no deal

If there is a speckle of crust left on the sandwich:  no deal

If it looks like it may have crust on it: no deal

God forbid one of the last pieces of bread is the heal:  Hell will freeze and warm over again before a single bite will be taken

IT'S CRUST!  IT HAS NO CHARACTERISTICS!  Granted, I can understand the Pop-tart crust.  MAYBE.  But bread crust?  I know she isn't a freak... at least not because of this.  I know other kids don't like crust either.  But, I still just don't understand the phenomena.  I wonder at 8 if it is something she'll outgrow.  I just get this image of her on a date in her 20s, nay 40s, and her demanding that the waiter take the order back and cut the crust off....

*sigh*

At least she likes cats....

BABY!

So, as the picture may suggest Olivia Rose is here.  She came rather quickly at 10:56 Tuesday night which made for a rather long day in hospitals for me.  I started doing my clinical pastoral education at 8 am that day and so basically spent the entire day in the hospital.  I'm still tired.  Things are only going to get more tiring from here on out.  However, its worth it.  Its always worth it.  Baby and Mommy are at home and resting well (I think).  Well, anyways.... I'm going to have a lot more to write about from here on out... BUT... less time to do it in.  Good thing I struggle with insomnia.  Perhaps this blog will fulfill its mission and help me to sleep better.  

Ok... Off to hang out with BABY!

My Grape Juice Spilt for You

Still... waiting.... for.... baby.... 

Man, I hate this part.  The doctor said any day now and I was hoping she meant, like, tomorrow.  I've even plowed through the school work and taken the requisite weeks off.  Now, I'm just sitting and waiting.  It's rough!

My poor wife, though.  She came down with an ear infection and I've selfishly been doing work.  My hope is to spend the rest of the day at this point caring for her and wrangling kids.  Went to 

church and said my prayers.  I've been praying more these days.  I suppose it is helping.

I found this picture of Isaac today.  Hard, so very hard to imagine that is what he looked like a little over a year and a half ago.  This is the same kid that decided to become sacramental and spill the brand new bottle of grape juice all over the 

floor in his own peculiar and messy version of the Lords Supper. I kept looking at this pond of sweetness that now formed under the frige thinking that perhaps God is trying to tell me something here.  I didn't know what but I had that unmistakable feeling of being told something.  Who knows....  Maybe it was simply, "Here is my grape juice spilled for you.  Every time you see a fruit fly in the kitchen remember its my fault!"

Randomizations

Oh, its been a few days so I figured I should write something.  Fitting, considering how hectic and crazy things are about to get.  For one, the baby is due, oh, tomorrow?  Next week?  Who knows... Hold your breath.  To be announced.  For the other, besides the fact that classes are about to start up, I am doing my Clinical Pastoral Education(CPE).  What, pray tell, is CPE?  Oh, its a seminary/ordination requirement for those of us in the Presbyterian Church.  They don't think that they attempt to burn us out enough that they make us do this on top of everything.

I don't mind, though.  To be honest, I'm a little excited.  I'm interning at the psych-wards around Richmond.  Yep.  I'm dealing with the crazies.  I figured the people I live with are insane and I may as well take my expertise into the field.  So, stay tuned.  I'm sure I'm going to have good stories to come...  

Oh, and Marcy, if you are reading this thank you again for today!  Communion was lovely and I know everyone at the church appreciated it.  We talked about your sermon over lunch which is always a good sign.  Everyone liked it.  

I want to write more, but I'm struggling to find things to say right now because I want to read my book....  I'll write tomorrow and tell you how the first day of school went and how my TB test went.  I can't even remember where they pricked me, so I guess I'm fine...

Some Scary Thoughts

I'm going to try and breath.  I need to make my way through this...  I really can't believe some of the things that I've heard tonight and the fact that people are lifting it up.  My question is when did attacking social workers and community organizers become acceptable politics?  Why attack people who work hard to improve their community?  Is this the leadership that the country needs?  Have we come that far to support the elite in so blatant terms?  How is this acceptable?

I'm about to have a daughter.  It's going to happen any day now.  Though, I am proud of the progress in the political arena that this country is making, I'm scared at what kind of example my daughter will be given and the state of this county...  Being a father changes everything.  It changes everything.  And people who want to spread messages of hate scare me perhaps only less than SIDS.  You know, Jesus stood looking down on Jerusalem and he wept...  I understand that a little more tonight.  I understand...  

Really John McCain? Really?

Ok...  So, I find myself needing to vent.  I kind of wanted to stay away from Theology and Politics in this blog, but desperate times call for desperate measures...

Number 1:  I don't care what network you work for, Barack Obama is not  the fulfillment of MLK's dream.  King said that he dreamt that his children would be judged by the content  of their character  and not  the color of their skin!   So saying that a black man winning the nomination, though historic, though profoundly great, though a huge step in the right direction, is not the fulfillment of a dream.  If it were, we would be talking more about what a much, much, much better choice Barack Obama is than John McCain on his merits of integrity, vision, character, and ability to empower the people around him.  What I loved most about his speech last night (which actually choked me up and that is by far a first in the political realm) is that he kept saying it isn't about him as much as it is about us.

A better comparison between Obama and King's dream is Obama and Roosevelt (another thing I don't say lightly).  Of course, Obama was milking comparisons as much as possible.  But Bush to Hoover is a good comparison.  And Obama's vision is not too unlike FDR.  Lord knows, if he becomes President (and I truly hope he does) he's going to be inheriting a huge mess of a country.  

NUMBER 2 (which is far bigger and thus demands bold capitalization) Really, John McCain?  Really?  Come on now.  Really?  I don't know if it is better to ask if the only woman you can get to run with you is some obscure governor from Alaska or if the only person you can get to run with you is Palin.  Listen, I understand you want to steal Hilary's voter base away from Obama, but that got much harder after last night.  Isn't it pretty obvious what you are trying to do here?  Why not get a Mexican dishwater (no offense to Mexicans or Dishwashers.  I'm sure none would want to work with you) as a running mate?  You may find one more qualified.  Which is SHOCKING since a majority of your complaints against your opponent are levied at his experience level.  Do your really think that Americans are that stupid, Sen. McCain?  Really?  If anyone was thinking of voting for you, perhaps now would be a good time to reconsider.

There.

I said it.

Blood pressure dropping...

"I'm Only Happy When It Rains" and Other Garbage

Well, I only have a few seconds and then its out school shopping, hair-cut getting, and dinner eating.  Firstly I want to thank my friend Rob for all the hard (and free) work that he has decided to do on my layout.  I don't know why he wants to do it, but I'm not going to argue.  That said, The Tired Kingdom is a little under-construction.  Though, Rob predicts that it will all be done by tomorrow afternoon.  Then things like the comment box for you not to leave comments in will be back along with everything else missing.

I would also like to express my relief for the rain that we've been seeing around here.  Being a pastor in a small, rural community during a drought is never any fun and quite frankly I'm tired of being asked why my prayers weren't being answered.  Prayer received, prayer answered.  Although I'm not so sure my "God make it rain so Bob gets off my back" prayers were really the ones that work, if prayer works like that at all.  That, my friend, may be a different entry for a different blog.  

I'm also strangely well rested today.  In fact, I can't remember a time in recent history that I felt as well rested.  Perhaps it is lack of stress.  The wife is starting to dilate (I have no idea how to spell this) as the doctors tell me.  So, don't fear!  Between the new baby coming, the class load I'm taking, and work I will be back to my fully exhausted self in no time.  But for now, I'll enjoy walking around the Kingdom with my eyes fully open.  Until tonight.  Target and restaurants with small children wear me out and I will attempt to write more then. 

Journeys, Stories, and a Book I Don't Have

This may be my favorite time of the day.  Everyone is asleep and I am alone.  I am tired but alone.  It's quiet and I can think without interruption.  It becomes meditative for me.  When I was younger I hated to be alone.  Now, I tend to enjoy it. I've had a headache all day.  It hasn't gone away.  Headaches and bouts of insomnia.  I'm glad I haven't had one of those lately.  Headaches are bad enough, but they usually are accompanied by the latter.  

I want to tell you a story but I can't think of any.  Stories are good.  My father would tell me bedtime stories at least once a week and he would tuck me into bed every night.  Our kids don't like to be tucked in.  Isaac is really too young to be tucked in, I suppose.  My dad's favorite story was almost utterly pointless when I think of it today.  It was about three house plants that were journeying to see where the sun slept at night.  They were great.  He would make them up as he went along.  Maybe this is where my love of journeying comes from.  I love the idea of journeys or that life is a journey or that we are all on a journey.  Where are we all going?  It makes no sense.  Maybe that is why some meditations put so much focus on the "now", as it were... Because we are so busy worrying about where we are going that we never take the time out to enjoy where we are.

That is one thing that really can frustrate me:  People constantly telling me what they have to do next.  Honestly, I rarely care about what I have to do next let alone what you have to do next.  Sometimes I just want to sit down and enjoy the moment.  My friend Rob is good at that.  A lot of people don't like him, but he's okay in my book.  He likes to think and talk about what he thinks about and I appreciate that.  Whether or not I agree with him, sometimes I just like to sit and have him talk about what he is thinking about.   I don't really have a book where I write down who is okay with me and who isn't and I have yet to meet anyone with a ten-foot-pole they use for not touching things.  

Sometimes I think it would be cool to have a small flat and be involved in the art scene of some city.  I wonder what I would do for money.  I wonder what I'd do with my family.   I think the kids would go nuts.  I really want a small, messy apartment that would be my office and I would sleep there.  I don't think my wife would appreciate that.  She may if it meant I wasn't messing up her house.  I've decided with this blog, in the spirit of "in the moment" and "journeys" that I am not going to edit it or censor myself.  I will type and what comes out, comes out.  I'm not going to go back and re-read it.  When you are tired mistakes happen anyways and I am almost always tired.  Maybe I should ask my doctor about it.  Maybe something is wrong with me.  

My sister once told me I was smart.  That was the dumbest thing she ever did. 

Being Pregnant: Something I'm Glad I Know Nothing About

I was supposed  to sleep in today.  That didn't work.  Sigh...  You know its funny how foreboding a blank canvas can be on these things...

My wife looks like she's about to explode.  I don't say that to be mean.  Its just if that baby gets any bigger inside of her it looks like there are going to be some serious space restrictions.  I'm so glad that I don't get pregnant.  When I was younger I had these romantic notions of what it may be like to have a life growing inside of you.  Let's be honest, there's nothing all that romantic about being pregnant.  Don't get me wrong, pregnant women, for the most part, are beautiful.  But, when you get down to the day-to-day of it?  No thank you.  I like my feet the size they are and I enjoy having ankles.  I also like being able to bend over.  Yet, the excuse to eat anything and everything that you want would be great.  This pregnancy doesn't seem to be as rough as the last one, but it still doesn't look like any fun.  

Its hard to decide all of what I want to do while Isaac is napping and I think he's getting up now...

So, Finido...  No more Greek.  I took the final today with no cares of successes or failures; just to be done.  So now I can breath right?  Now it's time to sit back and relax, right?  Oh, perhaps after the weekend.  They tend to be the busiest times of the week for me.  Ah, the life of becoming a pastor.  This week its retreat (that I still need to fully put together), birthday party for church member and then dinner with a church member, and somewhere in there figuring out what the sermon and church is even going to look like for Sunday.  But Monday,  MONDAY I'M SLEEPING IN! If I can that is...

Funny things tend to happen if I sleep while people under three feet are awake.  Yesterday I awoke to the choking stench of perfume.  I didn't even know we owned perfume.  But there was the 1 year old, smelling like a French whore.  It was so strong you could taste it.  Oh well.  It wasn't as bad as the time the two older ones decided their skin was dry.  Did you know it is possible to wear an entire bottle of hand lotion at one time?  They aren't allowed in the bathroom at the same time anymore.  

The Fun of it All...

So, I've been debating....  Where do I start?  The say that all stories begin in the middle of an action.  Is that where I start?  What action do I choose?  I guess I chose with the debate of whether or not to start in the middle of an action.  Well, there's irony for you.  Is that ironic?  Who knows.  Do I fill you in on who I am or just pick up and go where we are from here?  Who knows?  Who cares?

I've been studying Greek.  Not by choice, but because I was made to.  Its been seven weeks now and the final is this Friday.  Then it ends.  Rest will follow (at least for two weeks).  We're expecting our fourth child this September.  Well, its my second, my wife's fourth which makes it my fourth too.  She's a little girl.  I don't mind telling you that.  I'm not sure how I feel about having a girl.  It seems like a lot more stress to have a girl than a boy.  I don't really have any proof of that.  It's just speculation.  I imagine that the first 12 or so years go pretty smoothly, though my step-daughter proves that wrong, and then puberty hits and girls get difficult, which every girl I knew in middle school proves right.  

Having children is scary.  I don't care what anyone says; its scary.  Why?  Because babies can die for no reason whatsoever.  You can do everything right and scary crap like that happens every day.  Its funny that the beginning of someone's life can make you suddenly aware of the fragility and finitude of life.  I mean, I know that its cliche to say that all you want is for your baby to be healthy, but really...  That is all that matters.  Nothing else matters.  You really don't care about anything else.  I just want a healthy baby.  I just want her to be okay.  Alright... And I want her to look like her mother because I make an ugly woman.  

Oh well.  Its late... again... I'm tired... again... Ah life in the Tired Kingdom where the work never stops and the sleep never seems to come...

First post that no one reads

So it is in the course of human events that one finds himself worn out.  Maybe its the children, maybe its school, maybe its work, maybe its life in general, maybe its all of the above.  These days I find myself needing a place to flush my mind and express myself freely, openly and honestly.  Why I feel the need to do so publicly? Well... How public is this really?  Are you really going to sit down and read about my life?

Well, welcome to my life.  Welcome to perhaps the only place Q reigns supreme.  Welcome to my kingdom:  The Tired Kingdom